My first memories are of chaos. My family was in active addiction. We would go without electricity or food, and we were moving constantly. As a kid, I remember believing that I just existed simply to exist. I didn’t think I had any purpose or was even lovable.
I was probably about 12 or 13 with the first time I used meth. It gave me relief… it took all of my insecurities, my self-doubts, any amount of failure that I thought I had inside. It just diminished all of it. I remember that first time it gave me this sense of actually belonging. like I was actually somebody.
Once meth entered the picture, oh my gosh- chaos is putting it lightly. No matter where I went no matter where I lived; it was sorrow inside me, sorrow outside it was everywhere. There was just never any peace. I remember a lot of loss, a lot of crying, and underneath it all; not understanding how or why I couldn’t quit.
I knew that I was hurting the people that I loved, yet I couldn’t stop. I remember one time my daughters called me telling me that that they had cleaned my room and they wanted me to come home. They thought I wasn’t coming home because my bedroom was a mess. Just remembering that moment brings a lot of heartache and shame and guilt. It’s a memory that actually haunts me quite a bit, because all my kids wanted was for me to come home.
It was Christmas, two years into my addiction when I knew that things needed to change. I remember my Mom called. My daughters were with her, and she said they didn’t have any presents. I had their gifts right in front of me, but I couldn’t bring them over. Instead I got high. Looking back, in that moment I so desperately needed hope. I truly thought that I was destined to be my addiction for the rest of my life.
In 2016, social services took my children and they gave me chance after chance after chance to get myself together; but I just I gave up. I gave up and just kept using drugs. I thought I would never make it out.
One of the hardest memories I have is when I called my mother for a ride and waited at a McDonalds. The next thing I remember is waking up, and looking around; seeing all these families and children looking at me trying to figure out what was wrong. Growing up I had such a heart for kids, but sitting in there, I realized my addiction had turned me into the exact thing that I wanted to protect children from.
Coming through the doors of MnTC, I remember everything. The smell, the people around me, the feeling of the sheets when I crawled into bed. It was amazing. I felt peace for the first time. I knew when those doors closed behind me, that the world of meth closed with it. It was a beautiful thing.
While being in the program I have learned that I have worth. I can have a sobriety, a good life, and happiness. I have learned that I do not belong to shame. When I was in my addiction, I thought that if I lived just one day sober; the gaping hole in my chest would consume me. When I came here, I learned that I don’t have to carry that. There is freedom, and I can learn to forgive myself. He has shown me the wonders of His love by giving me true freedom.
$28.50 provides Life Recovery Bibles for 3 clients
$51.79 provides room and board for a client for one day
$84.00 provides Teen Challenge curriculum for two clients in the long-term program
$202.50 provides one client with meals for a month
$552.00 provides one day in the schools for our Know the Truth Drug Prevention Program
$725.06 provides room and board for two clients for one week